I realized that I've kind of lost the inspiration to write after I started working...
There will be times I want to write/journal/blog, yet the tiredness rob me of my energy... I do miss the times I can write freely, think freely and have almost all the time I want to spend with God and friends that matter.
Not that it has been a bad time, the Chees are in the midst of transitions, thus the absence from this space. And the quietness in the household. I've been working for about 2 months and Johnson started his new job as a Primary School teacher today. I've been anxious while I was at work, thinking if he was ok and if he enjoyed his work. Yet another part of me felt sad that we have kind of 'officially' left Campus Crusade, and 'officially' on our own - in some sense, there isn't much community around us as compared to, a few months ago.
Do bear with this empty space for awhile as we cruise through this rocky waves and await for the strong winds to taper down. :) I've kind of expected this transition when we decided to step out and change our jobs a few months ago - but experiencing and going through the transition is sure a whole different ball game.
Life at work for me has been a good one, there are many times I felt that I can do more, and I'm getting the hang of the work, yet there are those rare moments that 'kill' my joy and 'dampen' my spirits. I didn't expect that I will say this, but I think I do enjoy the filing at work, the stress that comes with not knowing how to do things, and the joy that I have finally learned the skill and gained a knowledge. Yet the process from the stress to the joy is... heart wrenching. :p
I cried buckets last Wednesday on my way home from work... First, the thoughts of having doing a presentation that I know nothing about, that I feel unconnected to, that I had to 'pretend' that I know what's going on surely grieved my heart. :\ I didn't know how to expressed what was going through in my heart and mind, and that day ended with several buckets of water. I was confused with the work I had to do, not that there was a lot - but to me it does felt like there was a lot of work especially when I don't know how to do the work. Secondly, I felt really intimidated at times as I didn't know how to speak as well as some staff who was there.. I couldn't write my emails properly, words didn't flow as well as I am writing my blog, and many times my senior staff would come and ask, "Yvonne, I don't really understand what you are saying." and it made me sad, and more disappointed with myself. Writing formal emails and minutes/filenotes/quicknotes can be a challenge especially when my language is deemed weak and it doesn't help when I'm conscious with my language and I take an even longer time to draft and email, and require a third person to vet it :\ sighs. I realised that the more conscious I am with my language, the worse I get... and it's getting worse.
Thirdly, I get frustrated easily when I can't get help when I need it, especially when I have a deadline and I need to get it done to ensure that the bosses get it. And sometimes, it's quite a challenge as I usually ask many clarifying questions before I do my work - and especially more when I am unsure what I have to do. And when that happens, it'll naturally cause other senior staff to slow down in their work as they have to pause for me, and their frustrations will be shown on their face. And that, is what will cause me to retreat back to my own desk... and fiddle with my work - praying that what I am doing will be correct, and that my bosses will not think that I am inefficient. However, several times I realized that I had to re-do and do the work I just did again and again. A test of my patience indeed.. a great lesson to be learned and re-learned many times...
I cried on my way home from work on Thursday and tears just fell uncontrollably when I was in the cab. The taxi uncle saw me crying from his rear mirror, and he seemed quite uncomfortable. I tried to hide my tears, but in vain. The atmosphere in the taxi was quiet and tensed, the taxi uncle drove really fast as if he was telling me, don't worry Uncle will bring u home. And that made me cry more. I don't really know what triggered the tears - the presentation that I didn't know how to do and that I had to present to my CEO and several bosses, the insecurities about my incapability at work, or the part that I miss direct meaningful work. The taxi stopped by a red light, and the uncle turned, "This tissue is clean one, don't worry, can use one." The uncle passed me a pack of new tissue and said, "We are reaching soon ok! Don't worry, it's ok one. It's ok." and more tears fell from my eyes. At that moment, I missed dad. Or being able to share with someone that I had a challenging day at work... and just be comforted, not to be scolded or ignored but to be real and be me. I guess it's just how everything is coming together, the transitions, and reality that I'll be here for a while until God deemed me ready for the next season - which I don't know when... and so for that while I need to be comfortable to be unsure, and insecure, but only be secure in God.
As Johnson started his work today, I felt really happy for him that he is able to impact lives at school. I'm sure he'll do so well. Just circumstantially, right now, I just need to be where I am, doing non-direct work and allow God to lead me in every step of the way. It's challenging, but I am thankful for the little things in life - Johnson, the taxi uncle, the filing satisfaction and nice colleagues and Abba Father.
Till the next post... We'll cruise.
